Friendless Friend

I have friends.  I have friends back home.  I have friends here in college.  Right?  Well sometimes I'm not so sure.  Well not so sure that I have friends here.  I mean I have for sure 3-5 friends, but sometimes it doesn't seem that way.  Everyone on my floor is kind of separating into groups, and it seems like I'm not in one.  They all hang out together.  I'm in my room.  Alone.  With my roommate.  It feels like my friends don't even want to hang out with me.  They would all rather hang out with their other friends.  It always feels like I'm left in the dust.  Even back at home.  I mean I have individual friends, but it still feels like I don't belong.  Maybe I don't belong anywhere.  I mean I'm forgotten about all the time.  It sucks feeling like people toy with you like a cat.  Like they are dangling their friendship in front of me.  It's like surrounded by people, and still alone.

Only Myself When I'm Someone Else

I wrote this in my math class:
Theatre.  A place where you get to be someone that's not who you are.  A place where you get to experience other people's lives; ones you may only ever be able to experience through theatre or film.  You aren't your self right? Wrong.  Theatre is where I get to be me.  Or at least who I want to be anyway.  I get to be someone who is not afraid to express themselves.  I get to be someone who others want to listen to.  I get to be someone who is not afraid to talk in front of others.  Theatre is where I get to be the person I want to be; even when I'm being someone else.

You

I miss you

My eyes miss seeing you

My nose misses your sweet scent

My arms miss you being in them

My lips miss yours on mine

I miss you being here

And you being in my life

When we are apart a part of me is missing

It will forever belong to you

Living in the Past

Now that I'm in college I've been thinking about my life a lot more. Not what is to come, but what has passed.  College is making me think of not only the good old times, but also the bad.  It is making me wish I would have  done somethings differently and wish I would have continued some. I wish I would have continued dance.  I wish I didn't let people walk all over me for years.  I wish I had the courage to tell people what I think to their face instead of hiding behind my computer and diary. I wish I had the courage to stop wishing and do something about it.

There Is No Reason to Kill Someone. EVER!

I can not imagine the pain my friend is going through right now.  A guy got fired from his job, one that did good things for blind people, and so he went and shot 5 people, one of them was himself.  He killed my friend's dad.  I don't understand how people could convince themselves that it's a good idea to go and kill someone.  I can not imagine how my friend feels right now.  I'm so mad at that person who shot him.  I can't even describe how I'm feeling right now.

Study Lounge

I'm currently in the study lounge of my dorm room looking for peace and quiet, a place where this is suppose to exist. My roommate is watching a movie, so I came here to write my paper, however I learned people use this for a hang out area.  They've cooked in here, hang out with all their friends (not studying), play games, etc.  We have a kitchen and lounge for all of this, and the study lounge is for...you guessed it studying.  Also, it's past quiet hours.  Makes it really hard to write a paper with music playing very loudly. Sucks that I can't even ask them to be quiet cause they don't speak english very well.

People Around Me Just Don't Seem to Care or Notice

Do you know how it feels to have no friends?  Only fake ones?  That's me in college.  After one month I have 0 friends.  The people I thought were my friends...just found out they're not.  They keep forgetting I exist.  When I talk to them, it all seems fine and dandy, however now I'm starting to notice it's actually not.  Rarely will a floor-mate talk to me first unless it's for something like a ride to town or someone to work out with them.  Tonight at the homecoming bonfire, a guy who I thought was my friend introduced all of his floor-mates to his band, but not me.  I was standing 2 people away from him, and he knew I was there.  People have been telling others that they can see them being friends for all 4 years.  No one has told me.  When I talk about times at home/ doing things in the future they all shrug it off and don't really mean it when they say "yeah sure" or "totally."  When I talk to people it feels like they would rather have me gone and just talk to everyone else around them.  They don't like it when I'm there.  It's really hard being in a place where you have no friends.  When you hear about your friends back home doing things together it hurts even more.  Between my brother and I, I've always been the one who made friends easily, but when he went to college, he still had friends from high school, and gained some more.  I have no one.  There's one guy, my boyfriend's best friend, who's here, and talks to me sometimes, but I can't tell if he actually wants to, or if he's just using me for back massages.  I feel so depressed right now, and I have no one to help me stop drowning.  I don't know what to do anymore.

I Don't Miss Them...Until I hear Their Voices

I realized while talking to my dad today, it's a lot easier to be away from home when I don't call them. It makes me miss them and home so much, that I started to cry.  I was doing so well here at college, or so I thought.  It's hard to hear their voice.  I was having fun at college, but now  I really want to go home and see my family.

Sidewalks...Shadows

Random thought of the day: when I looked at my shadow today, and the wind was blowing, I looked like Medusa

Why?

Why?  It's a question we ask quite often.  We question things.  Wonder "why" things are the way they are.  It's hard to just accept what we are told.  Has been since we learned the meaning of the word.  There use to be a time when we just accepted things for the way they were.  We listened to those in higher power than us.  Our kings, pharaohs, wise men, our mothers and fathers...or did we?  People have always been curious.  There are, and always will be, things that we don't know, but wish to.  When we are newborns, the world is a mystery to us, and it is full of secrets.  As we grow older, we start to uncover it's hidden treasures.  Few, if any of us stop wondering.  What I want to know is...

Why?

Judgement

Judgement.  Everyone does it.  No matter what people say, they do.  Maybe not on sexual preference, religion, or what ever else they say they don't, but they judge you on what you like, wear, what ever else they can.  It may not be obvious to you, and they might not do it to you, but they do do it to someone.  My floor, of my dorm, just finished watching a scary movie.  I HATE scary movies, but I watched it anyway and was scared shitless.  Right now we are watching Twilight (a suggestion from my ca/ra), a movie that I actually like because it reminds me of the books that were my escape from being bullied in the 6th grade all the way to the 9th and some what on up from there.  My whole floor is making fun of it., which would be fine, if they didn't laugh at me before it started for liking it.  They made me feel like such an idiot for liking it, and made it sound like the funniest thing in the whole world.  I was so embarrassed and now I feel like crying.  It's like junior high all over again.  It's like I'm being bullied by the people I call my "friends".

Sucks to Suck

I realized today that I suck at everything.  I use to be a good dancer, now I suck.  I use to be...decent at some video games, now I epicly fail.  Every sport I try to play, I fail.  I'm the girl who no one wants on their team.  The one chosen last.  The one who just stands in the corner while others try to cover my position as well as their own.  I try so hard to succeed in school, yet I'm still only average.  I even suck at being a girlfriend.  I don't know how to make my boyfriend happy any more.  Now that we are three hours away from each other, I don't know how to help him.  I suck at writing.  I was so dedicated to writing my books, and I stopped.  I look back at them wondering what I was even thinking.  I can't write.  I use to want to draw, until I got into art class and realized that I sucked.   I'm a slow reader.  I don't have that big of a vocabulary. I fail at making friends.  Sure I hang out with people, but how often do those people ask me to do something with them instead of me asking them if I can tag along?  I never succeed in anything that I do.

She hates me....she still hates me

Why can't I still get over it? She wasn't the nicest person even when we were friends, but it still really hurts me that she hates me still.  After one year.  I don't think he knows how much it hurts me to have his sister hate me so much that she can't even bear to see my face.  It feels like she would rather have me dead then be with her brother.  I care about her because she is important to him.  I don't think she even knows how lucky she is to have a brother that cares about her so much.  I don't know what to do anymore.

It's Really Hard to Cry Without Waking Your Roommate.

So I'm in college now...what a change.  I'm only 3 hours away, but it feels a lot farther.  It's so weird.  I've been here for one week now, and the first day wasn't too bad after my parents were gone.  Yes it was hard to say good bye, but not as bad as I expected.  Today is actually the first day I've cried due to homesickness.  It's  probably hard because I'm not busy with class, I finished my homework, and also I got a call from my mom today.  Hearing her voice was hard because it reminded me of home, and I want to go back and see my boyfriend and family.  I want to hold my dog, and lay with my cat.  I want to be the arms of my boyfriend.  I never thought it'd be this hard. During the day I'm fine.  I'm happy.  My floor is amazing, and we're always doing things together.  I'm still working myself into the group because I was doing work stuff since day one, but I can now feel comfortable just hanging out with them. The professors are also really nice (it feels weird not calling them teachers), and we are told to call them by their first names.   It's all really weird.  I even miss my brother.  I cried for an hour during the drive because he wasn't home to say goodbye to me.  He went to a party the night before and slept over there.  He got home at 7:30 the next morning.  We left at 6:30.  He's moving out of the house at the end of this month.  It's weird to think that we'll never live together again.  I know we don't really get along, but I'm going to miss him like crazy.  I just really want a hug from him now...even though he hasn't hugged me since we were really little.  I miss him so much.
The main thing I regret not doing was making things better with my boyfriend's sister before leaving.  I wish I could/would have talked to her and cleared the air.  She is really important in his life, I just wish I could have fixed everything between us before leaving for college.
I had one upperclassmen "friend" here already. He's really nice.  Except now he's not answering my text, and when I ate breakfast with him the other day with my roommate, it felt very awkward, which is new for me with him.  I have no clue what I did, but I really wish I did.  Especially because now I could really use a friend. And a hug.
It seems like it's been longer than a week since I got here.
My boyfriend and I have skyped a few times since I've been here, but I already miss him so much.  The thing I miss the most? Just lying in his arms.  Feel comforted. Like he's there to protect me, and like he loves me more than anything in that moment.  What I wouldn't give right now for one of those moments.  It's such a simple thing, but I miss it the most.  I just wish I knew how to make him feel better about everything.
It seems like it's been longer than a week since I've felt true friendship and love.  I hate starting over.

Two Great Days in a Row...Why Must It End

These last two days have been amazing! On Friday was my one year anniversary with my boyfriend.  We hung out at his house, went out for lunch and dinner, walked around part of a lake, he got me flowers and a stuffed animal puppy that has really big eyes on top of getting me a really nice necklace that has my birthstone.  The only thing that could have made it better was if we could have walked around the whole lake.  On Saturday I went to the local amusement/water park with a few friends for free through my friend's dad's work.  It was a lot of fun just to hang out with my close friends who in 2 weeks I won't see for a few months. I went on this thing called the ripcord.  You are strapped in, by yourself or up to 2 others, and pulled up 18 stories high and then you pull a cord and you swing and feel like you are free falling.  I went because my friend paid for it, and the third person who was originally going to do it chickened out.  So I decided to go. I got freaked out when I saw how high you go, and started to cry when we got strapped in. I closed my eyes on the way up, and when the spot light shown through my eye lids my heart started to beat even faster.  I heard the 1...2...3...GO! and my friend pulled the cord and we went flying and I went screaming.  I held on to my friend, and he told me that he wouldn't let me go till we had to grab the pole to slow ourselves down.  After another pass I told him to let go and I did one full pass of me just swinging with my friends by my side.  It was the scariest and one of the best experience I have ever done.  I can't wait to go on it next year and not cry...as much.

To break up or not to break up? That is the question

Today my boyfriend and I had the awkward conversation. To break up or not to break up?  I'm going to college in exactly 4 weeks from yesterday, and I knew what I wanted, but not what he did.  I've been putting off this conversation because I'm nervous for college, and this conversation meant that it was coming closer.  I was willing to try to make the relationship work, not sure if he did.  For awhile I thought it was going to be over.  I wasn't sure though.  Today. We had the convo.  He said...that he wanted to try too!!!!! I was so happy to hear this! It's going to be hard I know, and I know that a lot of people think that we should break up because people change in college, and new experiences etc etc... But those people can just keep on talking.  I know what I want, and now I know he thinks the same.  It might not work, but why would just give up without trying? Because it could.  I'm the happiest I have been in a good long while.

Working with friends

Working with friends sounds amazing right? Wrong.  I'm the boss of some of my friends at the ice cream place that I work at, and I hate it.  Yes it's nice to see them, however they don't take me seriously.  They think I'm joking when I'm not, and sometimes it seems like they don't realize that they have to treat me like they do any other boss.  They actually do have to do what I tell them, and listen to my rules, but it seems like they think because they are my friend they can get away with stuff, making my job that much harder.  It's great when you can make friends at work.  You understand who's in-charge from the start, so there's less of a chance for them to back talk and rebel against you because you were their boss before their friend.  One of my friends that I made at work, who just got promoted to manager, is starting to piss me off.  In order to replace her we trained a new shift leader.  As manager my friend makes the schedules, and that's what's making me mad.  The new shift leader had about 20 hours last week. I had 6, and before she was the manager I had 15.  I got a call asking if I could work at the other store, I said yes, and get a call a few minuets later saying that it was fine and that I wasn't going to work there because the new shift leader said she would after I accepted.  Seems unfair to me.  Work sucks.

Beauty

One thing that is odd to me is that a lot of things we consider "beautiful" are fake.  Pictures in a magazine are all air brushed and modified.  But also a lot of us are "fake" every day of our lives.  Well at least us girls are.  We wear make up, go on diets, dress ourselves in clothes we don't always like but make us look good. Some of us even go as far to get plastic surgery.  We do a lot of things, some even harmful, to our bodies to make ourselves look good.   What's wrong with the way we look naturally? I will admit I wear make up, dress in clothes I don't always like, and have even thought about getting some work done on my breast because I think they look to big and cause me more back problems then they are worth. Not saying I'll ever get it done, but I have thought about it. I struggle with my body image.  I hear people telling me that I look fine/beautiful/etc, but why can't I see it myself?  I sometimes think I look good.  However, a lot of the time I don't.  I look in the mirror and see every flaw.  My friend told me about this acting/modeling school that she's doing this fall, and said I should audition for next summer .  I'm not even sure if I can do it.  The whole time during the audition I'm sure all I'd be able to think is "I'm not the correct look."  And that upsets me that what I think of myself might actually crush my dreams of becoming an actress.  Why do we all strive to be something we're not?

He says she doesn't hate me. I say he's wrong.

Why does she hate me so?  Yes I know the "reason," but not why it makes her hate me.  It hurts to know that she hates me so much that she can't even stand being in the same room with me. Our friends will only hang out with one of us at a time. Some people just stopped being my friend. I hate how upset I get from just knowing that she hates me! Why should I even care... But I do. And I can't stop caring.  I know the one way to make her stop hating me, but I would hate myself even more if I did that. He says she doesn't hate me.  I say he's wrong.  I hate being hated.

Your mind can mess with you more than everyone in the world can

So, my dear friend blog, it's been awhile.  I've thought about many posts to write, but haven't.  I could use the old excuse "didn't have the time," but we both know that would be false.  Sometimes it was true, but sometimes I just couldn't gain the guts to write it. Sometimes I didn't know how to word things. Or explain them correctly. Sometimes I was afraid.  Afraid of those who might see.  Afraid of those who will.  Then I thought, "who cares?"  This is my place to write what ever I want. Those people don't have to read it.  If they have a problem with what I write, they can just click the little x in the corner.  Today, what I wanted to post, besides this, is this:

Life sucks. Right when things are going the way you want, something gets fucked up.  An event happens, or you over-think things.  Your mind can mess with you more than everyone in the world can.  You can lie to yourself.  Convince you that something is wrong/right, even though at one point in time you knew for sure it wasn't.  Well...as sure as you can ever be.  My mind has recently, as in today, convinced me of something that I really hope isn't true.  I won't say what that was, at least not for now, but it's made me question the past 10 months.  I don't know what to do.  I talked to my best friend and she doesn't either.  Once your mind starts to "trick" you, you start to notice things you didn't before.  You are more sensitive to things that before you didn't care about.  You start to "understand" things that don't make sense.  That you once thought you had a hold on.

Is there really "truth" in the world? Or is everything one big lie and trick?

Give it up

Why do we dwell on things in the past? We made our choices and now we have to accept the consequences. Why do we question things that we chose? Why do we wonder what things would be like if we chose differently? Or did something that we did not? I've been asking these a lot lately. I've been wondering if the choice I made to make myself happy was the wrong one. I like to make others happy yet I chose something that made a lot of people very unhappy. And they like to make sure I know it. But why? We are all just thinking of what could have been instead of what is.

My feet know just what to do.

Tonight I filmed the district dance recital. It was really good. Before the show while we were setting up the cameras, I just started to dance not really thinking about it. I was suppose to be in that show, but the teacher told me that it was probably better to do an independent study with film because I was too advanced for a dance 1 course. In a way I wish I wouldn't have listened to her because tonight I realized just how much I missed dance. I felt like apart of me was missing, and when I went home and started to dance, I felt almost whole. I just miss it so much. It will always be apart of me. I don't even have to think about it. My feet just know what to do. They lead me through turns, leaps, what ever they choose. Would a dance teacher be able to criticize my techniques? Absolutely. Do I care? Only a little. I dance for me not for anyone else.

Remember Everything

My film teacher wanted me to enter a contest where I was suppose to create a music video using the song remember everything by five finger death punch. We aren't going to enter because we don't have enough time. My partner wanted to do it about nature. I wanted to do it about bulling. I have a strong connection to this song and a strong vision to for it. I might just create the video anyway. My connection to it is that I was bullied. I hated going to school. I hated going to girl scouts where she was. Every day I would go home and cry. I once even cried under a piano because of her. This song reminds me that the pain is still with me and effects everything I do and think. Even if I don't realize it. One black mark on the page of your life may seem unsignifcant at the time, but in the end it can grow so everything is black. You never know how someone will react to something. Something may mean more to one than to another. A girl said somethings to me and I just broke down crying at home. She probably didn't think it was a big deal, but it was so close to what my bully said, it tore me to pieces. Be careful. You don't know other's past.

“Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there”

Best friends are always there for you. They know how you react to certain things. They are the people who will not laugh at you when you just get up and start dancing crazily during the end credits of a movie, instead they get up and join you. You have your ups and downs, but in the end you are still friends. They listen to you rant about things that may not matter and those that really do. They keep your secrets no matter what. They you can say anything to them, even things that don't make sense, and understand. They are the ones that are willing to tell you when you are being stupid. They are the ones that you can be yourself around. They are the ones that you can laugh about anything with. They are the ones that will always stand by your side. They are the ones that you have countless inside jokes and stories. They have been with you through thick and thin. They are the ones that you never let go.
Last night I spent the night at my best friend's house, and I felt some comfortable, and stress free. I love her like crazy, and can't wait to spend the rest of our senior years making memories.

Blind

Sometimes it's hard to get over things until someone is brave enough to come up and tell you that you're being stupid. I reacted over something of my boyfriend's, and my two best friends kind of flipped a s*** when I told them. One was more mad than the other....let's just say I'm happy she doesn't have his phone number... However another friend of mine at work told me how I was over reacting, and kind of just calmed me down. He was able to calmly explain things in a different point of view than I was thinking and made me realize something. I care too much about my boyfriend to let little things bother me.
On a happy note: I've decided a way to clear my head of drama and see new perspectives: WRITE MY BOOK!!! I'm now using different situations I'm in to help with it. I plan on hopefully writing 3. One on each year in high school (freshman year is in a junior high in my district). It will be interesting... I have so many stories to tell, and this could be some inspiration in my writing. Also, while I was mad at my boyfriend I wrote 2 paragraphs and my best friend said that it was written really well and she could see the pain behind the words. I can't wait to start digging through all of my old writings and to get started again. It was such a stress reliever that I don't know why I stopped. I can't wait to get started again!

Truth

Admitting the pain to someone you love can be harder than admitting it's there at all.

Friendships are like wood

Friendships start off as a piece of wood. They are solid, and hard to break, well at least the good ones are. However, they can be broken with the right tool (like a fight). They are hard to put back together and it takes a lot of work. But even if they can be repaired there will always be that scar/ line through it. It will never be the same piece of wood again.

YAY HAPPY POST

As some of you may have been able to tell I've been a little stressed these past couple weeks from all of the drama in my life. Well tonight I don't feel stressed at all. What happened? I went to my boyfriends house. Plain. Simple. It helped so much. We played with his dog and cuddled on his couch while we watched movie critic videos. And now I am so relaxed, and my sweat shirt smells like him so I'm remaining calm. It was a good night.

Technology kind of sucks

Technology is great (bear with me on this). It makes our lives seem so much easier right? I mean we can have multiple conversations on facebook, texting, we can get things done faster by using the Internet for research and typing all of our stuff. There is nothing wrong with it at all. WRONG. Don't get me wrong I love technology, it's nice to be able to have conversations with people with out actually having to devote all of your attention to it, and it's nice to get homework faster. But I'm starting to HATE how it has changed us all so much. I had a fight with one of my best friends at the time over text. My friend was dumped over text. I got yelled at by my boyfriends ex over text. You can't tell how people sound over text. You can't tell what is more serious. You can't tell when they are being sarcastic. You can't tell a lot. On facebook, myspace, what ever social network you use, a lot of people are friends with people they don't really like. Why? No clue. And yes I am one of those people. So, now one of the biggest insults of the time is to be unfriended. It's like "Oh you complain about that person so much/ never have even met them before, and you delete me?" I got to admit, it did kind of hurt a little when my ex-best friend deleted me, when my boy friend's ex and sister deleted me. Why? No clue. I guess I just hate the idea that they hate me so much that they felt like they wanted to delete me. Should I care? Not at all. His ex and my ex-best friend were not good people in my life. They kept hurting me, and I should have deleted them, but it still kind of stings a little when they are friends with people they have never liked, and yet I am the one that is deleted. Technology is the new easy-way-out. You can say things to people that you would never even think of saying to their face. Technology sucks.

The thought that counts

So in a few hours I will be 18, which is legally an adult. So, this past week I've been thinking about a lot. First of all I've been thinking of friends. How many I have lost over the years, gained, found out weren't true friends, etc. I have quite a few friends, and only recently I'm finding out how many are fake. That one girl that I posted about in the past 2 post I have not talked to since. I see her everywhere and it's just a daily reminder of how this could have been avoided if I wouldn't have hid my feelings from her, but I think in the end I'll be better off. It's just really hard when the one you want to get away from is there all of the time because she is friends with your friends. Another girl I've been trying to stay away from is someone close to my boyfriend's family. She has said that I flirt with other guys and have no respect for others. She also apologized a few days later for how this came out (not what she said but how she said it, and all of this was over text). I have not responded to the "apology" and I don't feel like it deserves an answer. I have talked to a few friends and asked if it looks like I flirt with the guys she says I do and they all say no and that it looks like we are just close friends. I also keep seeing this girl everywhere and I just don't know what to do anymore because every time I see her I want to go cry because of how mad she made me and of how mad I am at myself that I let her affect me so much. Some people would say this is a sign of guilt, but I assure you it's not. When ever I get yelled at for something, a rare occasion, if there is truth in it or not, I always feel bad. Like a puppy with their tail between their legs.
On another note, some people who I am very close to have been asking me what I want for my birthday, and honestly? I don't know . I could name movies or Cds or whatever but what do I really want? I guess maybe it's the whole "it's the thought that counts " thing. I want to see what they think I'll like, what they know of me.
After all this doom and gloom lets look at some perks at being 18!!!! I can smoke (if the smell didn't give me migraines and I actually wanted to), I can vote, I can gamble if I want (probably won't), and there's some other stuff that I can't really think of at the moment. Oh and I get 4 cakes in 1 day!!!!! Yay!!!!!!

In the attempt to make myself feel better, I hurt a friend, lost a friendship, and now feel worse.

So, one of my good friends and I got into a fight. I was kind of tired of everything she kept putting me through. She kept oversteping her bounds, and made me feel bad about myself. It felt like she didn't respect things in my past, and I was just through with it. So, I told her what was on my mind, she spoke her mind, and she hurt me again by yelling at me and made me feel like a bad friend. In the attempt to make myself feel better, I hurt a friend, lost a friendship, and now feel worse.

Who wins when both lose?

So I've decided to distance myself from one of my friends. She just keeps using me for rides and as a messenger between her and her gf, and keeps hurting me. However now I feel like I'm hurting her because instead of talking to her about it I'm just kind of ignoring her. I have always been the person to put others before myself so this is in a way hurting me even more. I just can't win

Heart or head?

How do you know which to listen to? Everyone says to trust your gut feeling and no matter what you'll accept the result right? Well lately one of my friends and I were trying to figure out which one you should listen to. We both usually listen to our hearts, but what if they are wrong?

Resolutions

So around new years a lot of people decide to make resolutions to change something about themselves. Usually it's their weight, but some people choose to become braver, eat healthier, excersie, become popular, etc. Well usually I don't make one but this year I decided to retry one that I tried a few years ago. I'm a huge reader, so I'm going to try to read ever book I own. I own a lot so this will be hard and I doubt that I'll finish, but I'm still going to try. Wish me luck!

Just me and my music

So when I was younger I wanted to be nothing but a dancer...or an actress but dancer seemed more likely. I took classes once a week and my teacher my last year there wanted me join the competition team the next year as did the 2nd in command teacher (1st the owner was never really there), but I had to quit when I moved states because of money issues. So now I dance in my entry way where there is a mirror for me to see myself, and the only person who is allowed to see me dance is myself...well okay the post office person has a few times but oh well. I guess I am afraid of what others will think. Plus it's something that is so personal to me and when I dance I just dance to be myself. I don't have to put on a mask for anyone say I'm fine when I'm not, I don't have to put up with any drama. When I dance there is just me and the music. I won't let anyone see me not even my best friend. When I was still together with my ex he always wanted to see me dance, and I told him the only way he was going to was to either catch me, or was to show me how he danced (he hated dancing). And every time I try to show my dancing I get shot down. For auditions for the musical I was in I didn't get a dancing part, and in 9th grade my choir teacher asked me to choreograph a dance for me and my best friend to do, but she added an extra measure when I was doing a complicated spin and so I messed up. She said we weren't ready to perform thus we weren't allowed to do it. The other choir teacher said that my choir teacher added a measure and that she would love to over rule her ruling because she said our dance was really good, but since it was her first year teaching there she couldn't. Sad day. Okay I guessed I lied earlier I do dance at school dances and I've been to a club a couple times (my friend who is a good dancer said she would never call me a stereotypical little white girl again...well at least while I'm dancing) but that is a completely different type of dancing. Oh well dancing will always be my thing no matter what people say.

Are rules meant to be broken?

So I'm just in my media arts class completely bored....I have already finished all of the activities for the week and it's day 2...I would ask my teacher what to do now but he keeps leaving the room and wondering around. So I decided to blog what ever is on my mind...which is a lot. So I've been thinking lately about who you should and shouldn't date. There are all of those "guy/girl/friend codes" of what you should and shouldn't do including ones on dating. Usually it's don't date the ex don't date the sibling, etc. But are there exceptions? My boyfriend is one of my friends (well friend from before) older brother. However I have always felt closer to him than her, and we are (well at least I am) very happy together. Obviously though she is upset about this, and for the first month I considered breaking up with him and ending my own happiness to give her some, but what would be the point? And why should I break up with him just for her? It's been a long time since I could say that I was truly and completely happy, and now I can again. I lost that friendship but gained something better.

***I wrote this on November 9 I just forgot to post it...my bad***

Bag o' tricks

I never use to wear make up except on special occasions like weddings, prom, dance recitals, etc because I thought that I didn't need it. I still don't think that I need it but lately I've been wearing it almost every day. Why? No clue just have. So the other day I didn't put any on because I was just going to be lazy and hang around my house for the day. I looked in a mirror and it was weird how different I looked. I seemed really pale, my eyes seemed smaller etc. And don't get me wrong I don't wear a lot of make up usually just eye shadow, mascara, lip gloss, and rarely blush. It was just so weird how different I thought I looked. My friends and I use to call make up bags the bag o' tricks. Now my question is who do they trick? Do they trick everyone else because there's some girls who refuse to go anywhere with out make up on so no one knows what they look like with out it? Or does it trick us by showing us a different face so we don't even recognize ourselves? Magazines, TV, just the media in general show us girls how "important" make up is. There are whole magazines dedicated to help you "look better". Even in the olden days women would crush up rocks and use that for make up, or pinch their cheeks so they looked rosy. When did the thought process of "we have to change the way we look in order to be liked/look good/like ourselves" start?