Changes

So today I went and saw the play at my high school.  It was okay.  I've seen these kids do a lot better before.  It seemed very odd, like I was looking into a world I no longer fully understand.  Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing all my friends, but the play itself was odd.  It just be the new director, but still.
It's odd seeing how much I've changed just from one year at college, this all discovered by seeing this play.  I no longer fit in to my old life.  I have moved on to bigger things, and have changed quite a bit. I no longer hold the same interest that they do.  I expect more out of theatre, and the actors are in the play.  It's odd how much I've changed.

I won't give up

So today in my acting class we gave critiques of the scenes we preformed in the previous class.  Honestly, my scene didn't go so well...I messed up one line which made me freak out and start messing up and forgetting others.  It just didn't go as well as it should have.  So, my classmates critiqued mine, and I got nothing but comments on how bad the scene was, and my partner didn't get any notes.  They just tore up my scene, and I got more comments than anyone else. Not a single one on something I did well.  I know I messed up, but there had to be something I did that went well right? I wouldn't even be thinking this much about it, however this happens during every performance I give in this class, all bad comments no good and more than everyone else.  I keep trying to tell myself they are doing this to help me, and maybe they are giving me more notes because I have some talent and a lot of passion, and just need work, but I just feel beaten down.  At one point during the discussion I thought about giving up acting all together.  Then I thought, wait this is my passion.  I will never give up! I will keep on working at this all my life, and continue to love it.  Right now it is one of the only joys in my life, and there is nothing that will EVER stop me.  I love it way too much to give it up or to let anyone stop me.  I don't care if I go blind, death, mute, whatever, NOTHING will ever stop me.  I also remembered at the last cast and crew party I went to a few people told me that I was very talented, and should have been casted, so I must not be the worst actor ever.  Another thing that makes all of this confusing is that I'm getting pretty good grades (mostly As some Bs) on all of my performances.  I'm going to go to my prof tomorrow, and ask her what she thinks I need to work on the most, and then work on it every week!!!!  I am also going to be a fantastic actor for our final performance this Thursday in my one scene!!!...or at least as fantastic as I can be.  I got this!!!!! Wish me luck!

Ex

I broke up with my boyfriend in January.  I decided to move away and fulfill my dreams, and he wants to stay in his home state.  That's fine, but I'm at a point in my life where I need to make decisions for me right now, not us.  We had our issues, but this was the biggest reason.  I know in the long run I'll be happy knowing I went to follow my dream, but why do I still feel like such a b**** and feel horribly about the whole thing.  When will I start feeling better?

History repeats

So, when people say history repeats its self...I always thought that it meant history its self.  Not in your own personal life, but like fashion comes up again, these problems will happen again like war stuff...  I never thought it meant you would fall in the same traps, and repeat your own history.  I found out today that I have lost my friends...once again.  I haven't really seen them since we returned to college on Sunday, only because I'm trying to keep up with school and clubs.  I have talked to them some but not really hung out a whole lot.  Today I had some free time so I went to hang out and see if maybe they wanted to go eat or something and I walked in on them talking about going out to eat tonight and possibly going bowling.  When I came in someone asked if I had my car here.  When I said yes she asked if I would mind them using my car. Not if I wanted to come with, but if they could use my car...It seems like every time they want me to hang out it's so they have more cars, or so they can get away from what ever or complain.  Maybe I'm over reacting but I feel like I'm losing people left and right.  This has happened in junior high, high school, and now college? I don't know how many times I can continue to be hurt and continue to lose friends.  Part of me just wants to give up and stop trying to make friends. I know I have some good friends, but how long till they leave? How long until they forget about me?