Comfort in the eyes

It's amazing how much can be transferred from looking into someone's eyes.  Tonight I had this experience for the first time in my life. There I was under my current crushes arm after he told me we couldn't be together, yet his eyes said differently.  We stared into each others eyes for probably a mire few moments or maybe just even a minute, but that time moved so slowly it felt like hours.  Looking into his eyes I felt comfort.  We didn't need words, just our eyes to have a conversation that was different than what was coming from our mouths.  I have read about this feeling and seen it in movies but never fully understood it until now.  It was a shame when I had to blink because all I wanted to do was to stare into those eyes forever and it was a bigger shame when we at last had to break our gaze.  There was so much comfort under his arm and in his eyes I never wanted to leave. 

Violence is just not worth it

Violence does not just hurt the victim.  It hurts everyone.  Few realize it, but it is the truth.  As a person conducting and or condoning violence, you not only hurt the victim physically and emotionally but you hurt their families and friends.  They go through some of the pain with the victim, no it's not the same, but it still hurts.  Even if the victim doesn't say a word true friends and families will see something is wrong.  It can cause relationships to bend and break.  It hurts the employer.  Try explaining to their boss why they can't make it to work because they have to much emotional baggage right now or when they do show up it isn't always their best work.  Violence does not only hurt the victim and the people around them but it also hurts the one who did the violence.  They have to live with what they did everyday for the rest of their lives.  They know what they did.

One of the people that assaulted me has a worse case of PTSD than I do.  He doesn't admit it, but you can see it eating him alive.  Now, not everyone who conducts violence will feel remorse and some won't know what they did wrong, but some do.  Some feel everything.

Violence is just not worth it.  It hurts everyone, even those who you don't think of.  If you see something, say something.  Stop the hurt.

It always comes in 3s

So I considered making a new blog since I haven't been on this one in well a year, but then I was like who is this blog for?  It is honestly for myself and anyone who wishes to stumble upon it.  I have never told anyone the name of it nor how to find it so why create a new one?  This blog is for me to get out what I need to and what I wish to share to the world.  I'm going to give you a big WARNING though because this blog is seriously for whatever I choose.  Some days it will be the happiest shit ever and some the opposite.  Today will not be a happy post so if you want that I suggest clicking away and maybe returning one day.

Today is September 19, 2015, but I want to take you back in time to September 27th, 2014.  This is the day that started the worst year of my life yet.  On September 27th of last year I was sexually assaulted twice.  The first was by my boyfriend (yes significant others can assault you and if you don't believe me keep reading and if you still don't then we need to have a chat).  That night we were celebrating his birthday and he and his friends were drinking (I wasn't since I had to drive home).  We were goofing around and having a blast but then D (boyfriend) poured himself another shot and it wasn't the last.  He started to act crazy!  He kept saying he felt all powerful and that he was stronger than ever.  He rolls around on the floor, doesn't really know what's going on, and even breaks what he calls his beer horn (it's a cup in the shape of a horn).  I take him upstairs to calm down because I was terrified of what he was going to do.  He refused to calm down downstairs and being around his friends was making everything worse.  I take him upstairs and close the door.  We sit on the floor in the dark (the light hurt his eyes) and I talked with him.  I told him how worried he was making me and how he was scaring me.  He seemed to respond well...or so I thought.  I was holding his hands and was talking to him and he got frustrated.  He pushed me onto the floor and pinned my hands.  He started to talk inches from my face.  He was talking about some Norse god but I don't remember much of what was said.  All I remember is being terrified and the sting in my wrist.  Then he said "fuck it."  He tried to take off my pants.  When I told him I didn't want to do anything that night, he asked why and I said "because you're drunk."  He then tried again and refused to listen to me.  He told me to relax.  I kicked him in the chest and got him off of me.  I ran downstairs grabbed my purse and ran out onto the front lawn and then collapsed.  I started crying and couldn't breath.  Two of his friends S and M came out.  When I told them what happened they were sympathetic.  S stayed with me while I calmed down and M went to grab the rest of my stuff.  He came out a little bit later and told me and S that D had no idea what was going on.  He just said we were having a good time and then I kicked him.

I then tried to drive home, but realized I could not be alone.  I called up my best friend T and went to his house.  I told him what happened and he told me to sleepover so I didn't have to be alone.  He had a friend over that night let's call him P, and we were both going to sleep in the living room (P on the floor and me on a big comfy beanbag chair).  I took a couple shots of crown and then laid down to go to sleep.  P and I were talking as we laid there, and he was rubbing my back, just to comfort me...or so  I thought.  I fell asleep and was waken slightly by P saying something about me sleeping on the floor with him, and he pulled me onto the floor.  That's when I froze.  Everything was frozen.  I couldn't move, I couldn't speak.  I tried opening my eyes and they refused.  P started saying my name and I couldn't respond.  I'm not sure what order this all happened in but I do know that he mounted me, dry humped me, kissed me, lifted up my shirt and felt me up, and pulled me on top of him and humped me again.  I'm not sure how long it lasted, it felt like hours but I'm not even sure how it ended.  The next thing I know is I wake up to his voice and one of the roommates talking.  P said "can I take a nap in your room, I didn't get much sleep last night."  No he did not.

Since then, I have had flashbacks and panic attacks.  I went to counseling for awhile but then I found out my counselor was releasing information about me to one of my friends not knowing we were friends.  I then joined a nonprofit organization and have been doing a lot better until now.  It is almost the one year anniversary since the first two attacks.  However, the name of this post "It always comes in 3s" is not a type-o.  It wasn't just two attacks this year.  There was a third.  Remember M?

M and I both use to work together.  We went to a festival together with some friends and were all staying in the same hotel with two rooms for us.  We went to a club and all got drunk.  M and I were hanging out at the club.  All night he was telling me he loved me and was holding me close.  I didn't think anything of this since we are really close friends.  I told him everything.  That night he got so drunk it was crazy.  We walked back to the hotel and I set up a bed for him on the floor by the bathroom, for obvious reasons, and I decided to sleep by him just in case.  While I was asleep, things turned bad.  He put his arm around me and long story short, he removed my clothes, kissed me, fingered me, tried to get me to give him a hand job, took off his pants, and kept saying he loved me.  Once again I was frozen.  I couldn't believe what was happening.  Couldn't believe it was happening from him.  Earlier that night I considered leaving my boyfriend for him.  He was so nice, was always there for me (he was there the night of my first attack), he helped me through so many tough times. and now he was the cause of one.

Three attacks one year full of hell.  More happened then just this (mom and stepdad got a divorce , grandparents went to the hospital, cars broke down, etc etc), but I am a survivor.  Life has thrown me through the shiter, but I made it.  I did not drop out of school and I did not give up even when it seemed like the only choice.  I now am using my experience to help others going through similar events.  I hope that one day this will no longer be something people have to go through (yes I know that dream is unrealistic but I can hope right?). If I can make even the slightest difference, even to one person, then I don't want to say it was worth it but it's as close as it can get.

Tout ce que je voudrais maintenant...Est-ce que c'est impossible?

All I want is someone to cuddle with.  Someone who I can sleep next to.  Someone who will support me through my lows, and celebrate my highs.  I want someone who I can call and tell my news to.  Someone I can share my secrets with.  Someone  who I can be my weird, crazy self with and not  fear how they will judge.  I want someone who will tell me I look beautiful when I don't feel like it.  Someone who will watch me dance for years.  Someone who will sing in the car with me, no matter how bad I sound.  But most of all I want someone who cares about me, supports me, respects me and loves me for me.  Why does this seem impossible to find?

Once upon a time they loved me....then the story had to end.

Soooooo....some stuff has happened since I last posted.  I got a new boyfriend last April....and I lost him last week.  He and I had had some issues, like all couples, but I wanted to try and work things out, he did not apparently.  The night before he broke up with me I was talking with my best friend from high school over skype, and we were talking about me and my boyfriend.  I was explaining to her how he wasn't being very supportive that week while I was trying to deal with some really hard stuff (like my mom and step dad separating, and something else that happened to me that is worse but I do not care to share at this moment (also found out this summer that I am probably dyslexic and he didn't seem to care or believe me)). He also seemed to only be interested in me in a physical way.  The only complements, or really the only things he would ever comment on, was my body.  I don't believe he ever said anything to me about my self that wasn't physical.  Now, I'm not some attention grabbing person or some one who needs to be complemented all the time, but one every once in awhile would be nice, especially if it was about something I had been working on or some trait that I have that is not physical.  It made me feel like all he wanted was a friend-with-benefits, and that is not what I was looking for.  I was looking for a boyfriend. Someone to love and care about me, and someone I could do the same for them.  I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, not someone who is just going to use me up and throw me out.  He also didn't seem to want to spend any time with me unless it meant we were going to do something physical. I wanted to try and talk out what I was feeling, and see if these issues could be resolved.  He did not feel the same.

He asked if he could come over, so I said sure.  He came in, sat on the opposite side of the room and said he wanted to break up.  He said it was because we didn't spend enough time together (he always broke dates off with me and rarely did he try to reschedule), and that he never was going to consider moving states with me after college (so he lied because before he said he would consider it, and at least give it a try).  Then he got up and left (not before saying I hope we can stay friendly).   The break up took less than 5 minuets, and I didn't get to say anything.

I honestly don't believe that he was being truthful when he told me why he wanted to break up with me.  I believe it was because I started refusing to do physical stuff with him because I wanted to work on our emotional relationship more.  This is not the part that hurts the most.  The part that hurts is that he didn't even care enough to talk with me about it, let me say something, be there for me when yet another thing went bad in my life.  If you want to break up with someone, do it, but do it respectfully.  That is one HUGE thing for me: respect.  Now I question my entire relationship with him.  Now I don't want to see him.  Now I have lost respect for him.  All because he couldn't sit with me for even 10 more minuets, and had a conversation with me.  Yes, I have broken up with people, and it was hard, but at least I was still there for them.  I sat there and took all the shit they could throw at me. I  took the tears, I tried to comfort them the best that I could, I did everything I could to make it any less painful.  The break ups had to happen, but in a respectful way.  I have no idea what I did to deserve this.  I have no idea why he couldn't just given me a little respect, and a little bit of his time.  I have no idea if he even cares/cared about me. Before this, I was already having a shitty week, and this made it even worse. I somewhat understand why he broke up with me, I just can't understand why he didn't respect me.  I understand it's hard to break up with someone, but I don't understand why someone would want to make it even harder on that person who they are breaking up with.  Especially when once upon a time...they said they loved me.

Bitter sweet work

So, I do not really like my current job (luckily it is done at the end of next week).  I hate driving, I hate the feeling that I have no clue what I'm doing, and sometimes there are customers who are really rude.  However, there is an upside that I love. I love meeting all of these new people and families. Even if it's only for a few minuets, I get to see a little bit into their lives. For example, there was one customer who just returned from a month long trip to Australia! I also like meeting all of their dogs.  However, I think my favorite part of my job is getting to see all of the different houses.  I love seeing the ways people set up their homes, and it is helping me find out what I like for when I have to purchase a home.

Note on my last post

So, I was watching a video on how women get harassed on the streets when they walk alone.  I just want  to make it clear these are not the types of "compliments" I was getting or that anyone should go through. Yes, I have been harassed going down the street, and no it does not feel good, but I just try to hold my head high and walk away.  Luckily I've never had to deal with anyone doing more than cat-calls or one/two worded sentences,  but there are sometimes when I'll cross the street to avoid anything else.