Tout ce que je voudrais maintenant...Est-ce que c'est impossible?

All I want is someone to cuddle with.  Someone who I can sleep next to.  Someone who will support me through my lows, and celebrate my highs.  I want someone who I can call and tell my news to.  Someone I can share my secrets with.  Someone  who I can be my weird, crazy self with and not  fear how they will judge.  I want someone who will tell me I look beautiful when I don't feel like it.  Someone who will watch me dance for years.  Someone who will sing in the car with me, no matter how bad I sound.  But most of all I want someone who cares about me, supports me, respects me and loves me for me.  Why does this seem impossible to find?

Once upon a time they loved me....then the story had to end.

Soooooo....some stuff has happened since I last posted.  I got a new boyfriend last April....and I lost him last week.  He and I had had some issues, like all couples, but I wanted to try and work things out, he did not apparently.  The night before he broke up with me I was talking with my best friend from high school over skype, and we were talking about me and my boyfriend.  I was explaining to her how he wasn't being very supportive that week while I was trying to deal with some really hard stuff (like my mom and step dad separating, and something else that happened to me that is worse but I do not care to share at this moment (also found out this summer that I am probably dyslexic and he didn't seem to care or believe me)). He also seemed to only be interested in me in a physical way.  The only complements, or really the only things he would ever comment on, was my body.  I don't believe he ever said anything to me about my self that wasn't physical.  Now, I'm not some attention grabbing person or some one who needs to be complemented all the time, but one every once in awhile would be nice, especially if it was about something I had been working on or some trait that I have that is not physical.  It made me feel like all he wanted was a friend-with-benefits, and that is not what I was looking for.  I was looking for a boyfriend. Someone to love and care about me, and someone I could do the same for them.  I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, not someone who is just going to use me up and throw me out.  He also didn't seem to want to spend any time with me unless it meant we were going to do something physical. I wanted to try and talk out what I was feeling, and see if these issues could be resolved.  He did not feel the same.

He asked if he could come over, so I said sure.  He came in, sat on the opposite side of the room and said he wanted to break up.  He said it was because we didn't spend enough time together (he always broke dates off with me and rarely did he try to reschedule), and that he never was going to consider moving states with me after college (so he lied because before he said he would consider it, and at least give it a try).  Then he got up and left (not before saying I hope we can stay friendly).   The break up took less than 5 minuets, and I didn't get to say anything.

I honestly don't believe that he was being truthful when he told me why he wanted to break up with me.  I believe it was because I started refusing to do physical stuff with him because I wanted to work on our emotional relationship more.  This is not the part that hurts the most.  The part that hurts is that he didn't even care enough to talk with me about it, let me say something, be there for me when yet another thing went bad in my life.  If you want to break up with someone, do it, but do it respectfully.  That is one HUGE thing for me: respect.  Now I question my entire relationship with him.  Now I don't want to see him.  Now I have lost respect for him.  All because he couldn't sit with me for even 10 more minuets, and had a conversation with me.  Yes, I have broken up with people, and it was hard, but at least I was still there for them.  I sat there and took all the shit they could throw at me. I  took the tears, I tried to comfort them the best that I could, I did everything I could to make it any less painful.  The break ups had to happen, but in a respectful way.  I have no idea what I did to deserve this.  I have no idea why he couldn't just given me a little respect, and a little bit of his time.  I have no idea if he even cares/cared about me. Before this, I was already having a shitty week, and this made it even worse. I somewhat understand why he broke up with me, I just can't understand why he didn't respect me.  I understand it's hard to break up with someone, but I don't understand why someone would want to make it even harder on that person who they are breaking up with.  Especially when once upon a time...they said they loved me.

Bitter sweet work

So, I do not really like my current job (luckily it is done at the end of next week).  I hate driving, I hate the feeling that I have no clue what I'm doing, and sometimes there are customers who are really rude.  However, there is an upside that I love. I love meeting all of these new people and families. Even if it's only for a few minuets, I get to see a little bit into their lives. For example, there was one customer who just returned from a month long trip to Australia! I also like meeting all of their dogs.  However, I think my favorite part of my job is getting to see all of the different houses.  I love seeing the ways people set up their homes, and it is helping me find out what I like for when I have to purchase a home.

Note on my last post

So, I was watching a video on how women get harassed on the streets when they walk alone.  I just want  to make it clear these are not the types of "compliments" I was getting or that anyone should go through. Yes, I have been harassed going down the street, and no it does not feel good, but I just try to hold my head high and walk away.  Luckily I've never had to deal with anyone doing more than cat-calls or one/two worded sentences,  but there are sometimes when I'll cross the street to avoid anything else.

Make someone's day a little brighter

It's amazing how one simple text or sentence can change someone's entire day.  A few weeks ago, at a red light, some guy asked me to breakfast. I declined but, for some reason, it made my bad day seem better.  A few days ago I went to McDonalds for a little pick me up before I went and hung out with some of my friends.  The guy at the window just said to me, "you look really beautiful today."  This was a day that I didn't even try to look good. My hair was in a messy bun, wearing just a tank top and sweats, and just that one comment made me smile.  Tonight I had a horrible day at work. First of all I wasn't even scheduled to work until last night when my phone beeped with a schedule update telling me that I worked the next day.  I was not asked if I would work, I was told. Then this morning I got asked if I would come in early, so I did.  What made me upset was not the fact that I had to work, but instead of not being released from work.  At my work (I work at a pizza place), if 2+ people are scheduled to leave at the same time, but one has to stay behind due to it being too busy for the number of drivers scheduled to stay on, the one who arrived at first is released.  This rule was not followed.  To make matters even worse, I asked my manager if I could leave because I had homework I had to do (I have summer reading).  He said that I could leave after the other driver got back from another delivery (that he hadn't left yet on). Instead said driver decided to clock out ahead of me and not take his delivery.  This made me upset, because I was told that I could leave shortly and with him leaving I thought I'd have to stay later. This ended up not being the case, I was released a few minuets after the other guy left, but those few minuets of not knowing just really made me angry.  I calmed down a little bit on the drive home, but for some reason I had a little trouble letting it go this time.  Then, a few minuets ago, I got a text from my boyfriend, "I'm thinking about you," and it wasn't in a sexual way.  When I asked him what about me he just replied, "you and me cuddling."  This just made my night.  It's been a few weeks since I've seen him (we live in different cities while not at school), and he and I haven't been texting too much due to our work and sleep schedules being almost the complete opposite, so this one text just made me feel loved.

There is one right time and place for a complement: always and everywhere.  You never know how a person's day is going, but maybe just maybe you could make their day a little brighter by just saying something nice.

Space Invaded

So today I was at work, and I got a call from my mom.  She asked me if I had seen her file of some sort, and I said no.  I get a second call while I am still at work, by the way I work at a pizza place so not really the best time to be calling me, and she started yelling at me asking me if it was in my room. I said no. She asked if I was sure because my room is a mess.  Yes, my room is a mess, but I have never touched said file because I have no need to. So I come home from work at 1am, go in the basement and find the file right away.  Then I go to my room to find that all of my shit that was on my floor is now moved everywhere and half of it is on my bed.  This pissed me off to no end.  I had my stuff semi organized into donations, need to put away, and need to pack for college. All of these piles are now mixed together, plus I have to move it all so I can go to sleep.  I feel like my space has been invaded and I feel violated.  The one space that was my own, the one space where I felt like I could do anything I wanted without fear of judgement or ridicule, has now been compromised. I am sooooooooo tempted to just go to my dad's house for the night, but like I said I got home at 1 am after a long and busy day at work, I feel sick and lightheaded, and I have to get up at 6:30 to bring my car in to the shop to get it fixed.  I am so tempted to either go into her room now and move shit all around, not caring that she's asleep, or writing her a note to fuck off and stay out of my room.  I'm not going to do either, but I am just so upset, and have lost all trust for my own mother.  She knows I hate people being in my room, and especially when they move stuff and look through things.  I don't really have any thing to hide, but it's just the principle of the matter.  I just wish she would have waited until I got home, and asked me to look for the file myself.

Too tired to even think of a title for this post....

So, currently it is 2:30 am, and I am writing my final paper for my education class.  I am currently on the paragraph about motivation, and how as a teacher I will try to motivate my students, and all  I can think of is how can I motivate them when I can't even motivate myself to finish this paper?  I wish there was a way to disconnect facebook and youtube from my computer so I could still use the internet for homework, but would have WAY less distractions... Also, there should be a limit of how many energy drinks one person buys at a time..... I may have drank too many too fast in the past few hours......

A bit about the "new" me.  I figured since I haven't blogged in awhile, I would just list some new facts, that may or may not interest you.

• I still love french and France.
• I have a new boyfriend
• I've known him for a couple weeks
• We started dating a few days after meeting
• He is wonderful
• He seems "normal" but not too much
• He has his weird qualities but in a good way!
• I am really falling for him!
• but I do have a few things that I am worried about with him
• I am probably, and hopefully just over thinking things
• I have to leave him in 2 days to go home :(
• I am half way done with college
• I have a few friends and a few "friends"
• Classes are way to difficult
• I am still involved in dance, theatre, and filming.

And....I believe that's it....If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to leave them in the comments, and I would love respond in any way I can!

**Update: I have also had a new boyfriend who I broke up with a couple months ago since my last post, I will maybe mention something about him later, but I'm not sure yet, but we will see....**
 

Long time no see old friend

So, I have kind of abandoned this blog a while back.  Why? Time got away from me, college got busy, etc etc.  However, yesterday I realized how much I missed my blog, and what better time to start it back up then while avoiding studying for my last final and writing my final paper for...tomorrow...  I am almost done with my second year of college, majoring in elementary education and getting an additional licence in french, and am current a busy person.  I have no promises of how often I will post, or how long I will be blogging for this time, but I really miss it, so I guess we are just going to go on this journey together.  Once again, I am not sharing this blog with anyone I know.  If they find it, great whatever, but they read it at their own risk.  This is going to the place where I open up, and say what ever I want/ need to.  Sometimes there are just things that I need to say to someone, anyone, and so why not people who are strangers?  I'm not sure if anyone is going to read this or not, but if you do great! Hello and welcome!  I will try to be as "real" with you as I can, and I hope you enjoy my blog!

So here we go! Round 2 with this blog!

*Wow it's been almost exactly a year since I posted....Well now is as good of a time as any!*