The one place that I felt at home and safe in this state has now been tainted.

Ok so today I had my first senior women's theater meeting to plan traditions, spirit, and hang out with the other senior women. This should have been all fun and stuff right? Well it was till I got home. First off I didn't receive the text about the meeting that was sent the night before, instead my friend asked if I was going, but I didn't know anything about it. Fine. Whatever it's not hard to forget a name when you're sending out a group text. Then, at the meeting I found out there's a group for us but guess who was added. Everyone but me. This also would have been ok if this group hadn't started last May, and that no one, including my 2 best "friends", noticed that I was not in the group, and they had a few get togethers and sleepovers over the summer. I have never really been apart of the "in crowed" in the theater program, but neither had some of the other people that were on that group. I guess now I just feel like not a senior women and not really apart of the theater group anymore. The one place that I felt at home and safe in this state has now been tainted.

Drug meeting?

So I am in theater at my high school and today we had our drug meeting which is required by law. Well just by going there you'd never know it was suppose to be about drugs because our director said 2 sentences (not kidding) about drugs, and the rest was about fund-raising, needing parent volunteers, and talking about donations. Just thought that a drug meeting was suppose to be mostly about why we shouldn't use them,what the consequences were, etc, not about money....

Two worlds in one

So I started Senior year last week. My classes are amazing (guitar, outdoor adventures (where you do camping, canoeing, and high ropes courses), child psychology, and Shakespeare for this term), my teachers are crazy and awesome, and I get to see all of my friends again. However, I forgot how much drama there is in school. Already I have heard people talking behind my back, people giving me dirty glances, and okay yes I did overreact a little bit for being upset about not being accepted as a main dancer in my school's musical after I worked my butt off all summer to get that part. Hopefully in college the little stuff won't seem as big anymore.

3 syllables we all long to hear

3 words that everyone longs to hear. We say it to our friends, our family, our pets, or significant others, but has the meaning changed overtime? Advertisers use it to sell perfume, jewelry, anything that they can think of. People use it for other reasons than to tell someone how they feel. They use it for a reason why they should stay together, even if they aren't right for one another "but I love you babe". They say it order to get stuff they want "If you love me you'll do this for me." So are we suppose to use the same words that we say to our dogs, or advertisers use in order to say how we feel? How can these 3 words make us feel so warm and fuzzy on the inside?

Real concerts

So I went to the Death Cab for Cutie (one of my favorite bands) concert a few weeks ago. It was a really good concert, and that's one thing I loved about it. It was a real concert. They didn't have any crazy outfits, or a rotating drum set thing, dance numbers, or fireworks coming out of their breast. It was all about the music. Ok yes they did have some cool effects with the lights on these boards behind them, but it was still just mostly them, and their songs. You don't really see that anymore. Plus I may have kind of got a little too excited and started to tear up when they played my favorite song "I Will Follow You Into the Dark." I'm so happy I got to spend this special day with someone very special to me.

umms wells uhhs

Can't sleep so what else is there to do but blog? I've been thinking lately (and as a lot of my friends say "oh no this could be dangerous" but trust me its really not this time...I think), and I've started to wonder why do some people, myself included, feel the need to impress people. OK yes this is a trait that most people have, however why do some people (ok maybe it's just me) think in order to impress people/get them to like you you have to either change yourself or tell just part of the truth to get them to believe one thing when you really mean another. For example, today I had dinner with my boyfriends family. They are kind of religious, not the type that are crazy or anything, but yes they do believe in god. I am atheist. Have been for most of my life. So, they pray at dinner, fine what ever. I am not one of those atheist that can't accept other peoples choice of religion, it just doesn't work for me. Later on his mom asked if my family went to church, and I said we've been to church only once in the past 6 years, which is true. My dad's girl friend at the time took us all to Palm Sunday service (yes I was atheist at the time). I don't believe his mom would have looked down upon me for believing what I do, however I only believed this in my head. For a long time I have had problems with confronting people, and I have also had the fear of loosing people (I'll explain how that started at a different time)/them looking down upon me. Now I don't really have problems with voicing my opinion, but when I'm put on the spot and want to impress someone (oh for example my new boyfriends parents) I sometimes freeze and words just come out. Or if I try saying stuff like "actually I'm atheist" the words just freeze into a bunch of umms wells uhhs etc., and my face turns bright red and usually I just can't get the words to come out. I have had this problem after I moved states right before 6th grade, and yes it is a big one that I am trying to work on. But I also have trouble talking to teachers about stuff, telling people when things upset me, telling people what I really think of them/a situation, etc. Now, I don't always have this problem, I never really do with my best friends or people I've known for a long time, but I usually do. I'm trying to work on it, but it seems to be getting harder each time I try to beat it. I'll say ok I'll talk to so-and-so about such-and-such, but do I do it? Rarely. Ugh I just don't know what to do. Like one of my friends suggests...maybe I just need to grow a pair and stand up to the person/tell him/her

**Update Sep 5, 12:42 am** Also one reason I had trouble is that when I told one of my cousins that I was atheist she looked at me in a completely different way...my own blood related cousin.