In the attempt to make myself feel better, I hurt a friend, lost a friendship, and now feel worse.

So, one of my good friends and I got into a fight. I was kind of tired of everything she kept putting me through. She kept oversteping her bounds, and made me feel bad about myself. It felt like she didn't respect things in my past, and I was just through with it. So, I told her what was on my mind, she spoke her mind, and she hurt me again by yelling at me and made me feel like a bad friend. In the attempt to make myself feel better, I hurt a friend, lost a friendship, and now feel worse.

Who wins when both lose?

So I've decided to distance myself from one of my friends. She just keeps using me for rides and as a messenger between her and her gf, and keeps hurting me. However now I feel like I'm hurting her because instead of talking to her about it I'm just kind of ignoring her. I have always been the person to put others before myself so this is in a way hurting me even more. I just can't win

Heart or head?

How do you know which to listen to? Everyone says to trust your gut feeling and no matter what you'll accept the result right? Well lately one of my friends and I were trying to figure out which one you should listen to. We both usually listen to our hearts, but what if they are wrong?

Resolutions

So around new years a lot of people decide to make resolutions to change something about themselves. Usually it's their weight, but some people choose to become braver, eat healthier, excersie, become popular, etc. Well usually I don't make one but this year I decided to retry one that I tried a few years ago. I'm a huge reader, so I'm going to try to read ever book I own. I own a lot so this will be hard and I doubt that I'll finish, but I'm still going to try. Wish me luck!

Just me and my music

So when I was younger I wanted to be nothing but a dancer...or an actress but dancer seemed more likely. I took classes once a week and my teacher my last year there wanted me join the competition team the next year as did the 2nd in command teacher (1st the owner was never really there), but I had to quit when I moved states because of money issues. So now I dance in my entry way where there is a mirror for me to see myself, and the only person who is allowed to see me dance is myself...well okay the post office person has a few times but oh well. I guess I am afraid of what others will think. Plus it's something that is so personal to me and when I dance I just dance to be myself. I don't have to put on a mask for anyone say I'm fine when I'm not, I don't have to put up with any drama. When I dance there is just me and the music. I won't let anyone see me not even my best friend. When I was still together with my ex he always wanted to see me dance, and I told him the only way he was going to was to either catch me, or was to show me how he danced (he hated dancing). And every time I try to show my dancing I get shot down. For auditions for the musical I was in I didn't get a dancing part, and in 9th grade my choir teacher asked me to choreograph a dance for me and my best friend to do, but she added an extra measure when I was doing a complicated spin and so I messed up. She said we weren't ready to perform thus we weren't allowed to do it. The other choir teacher said that my choir teacher added a measure and that she would love to over rule her ruling because she said our dance was really good, but since it was her first year teaching there she couldn't. Sad day. Okay I guessed I lied earlier I do dance at school dances and I've been to a club a couple times (my friend who is a good dancer said she would never call me a stereotypical little white girl again...well at least while I'm dancing) but that is a completely different type of dancing. Oh well dancing will always be my thing no matter what people say.

Are rules meant to be broken?

So I'm just in my media arts class completely bored....I have already finished all of the activities for the week and it's day 2...I would ask my teacher what to do now but he keeps leaving the room and wondering around. So I decided to blog what ever is on my mind...which is a lot. So I've been thinking lately about who you should and shouldn't date. There are all of those "guy/girl/friend codes" of what you should and shouldn't do including ones on dating. Usually it's don't date the ex don't date the sibling, etc. But are there exceptions? My boyfriend is one of my friends (well friend from before) older brother. However I have always felt closer to him than her, and we are (well at least I am) very happy together. Obviously though she is upset about this, and for the first month I considered breaking up with him and ending my own happiness to give her some, but what would be the point? And why should I break up with him just for her? It's been a long time since I could say that I was truly and completely happy, and now I can again. I lost that friendship but gained something better.

***I wrote this on November 9 I just forgot to post it...my bad***

Bag o' tricks

I never use to wear make up except on special occasions like weddings, prom, dance recitals, etc because I thought that I didn't need it. I still don't think that I need it but lately I've been wearing it almost every day. Why? No clue just have. So the other day I didn't put any on because I was just going to be lazy and hang around my house for the day. I looked in a mirror and it was weird how different I looked. I seemed really pale, my eyes seemed smaller etc. And don't get me wrong I don't wear a lot of make up usually just eye shadow, mascara, lip gloss, and rarely blush. It was just so weird how different I thought I looked. My friends and I use to call make up bags the bag o' tricks. Now my question is who do they trick? Do they trick everyone else because there's some girls who refuse to go anywhere with out make up on so no one knows what they look like with out it? Or does it trick us by showing us a different face so we don't even recognize ourselves? Magazines, TV, just the media in general show us girls how "important" make up is. There are whole magazines dedicated to help you "look better". Even in the olden days women would crush up rocks and use that for make up, or pinch their cheeks so they looked rosy. When did the thought process of "we have to change the way we look in order to be liked/look good/like ourselves" start?