So I considered making a new blog since I haven't been on this one in well a year, but then I was like who is this blog for? It is honestly for myself and anyone who wishes to stumble upon it. I have never told anyone the name of it nor how to find it so why create a new one? This blog is for me to get out what I need to and what I wish to share to the world. I'm going to give you a big WARNING though because this blog is seriously for whatever I choose. Some days it will be the happiest shit ever and some the opposite. Today will not be a happy post so if you want that I suggest clicking away and maybe returning one day.
Today is September 19, 2015, but I want to take you back in time to September 27th, 2014. This is the day that started the worst year of my life yet. On September 27th of last year I was sexually assaulted twice. The first was by my boyfriend (yes significant others can assault you and if you don't believe me keep reading and if you still don't then we need to have a chat). That night we were celebrating his birthday and he and his friends were drinking (I wasn't since I had to drive home). We were goofing around and having a blast but then D (boyfriend) poured himself another shot and it wasn't the last. He started to act crazy! He kept saying he felt all powerful and that he was stronger than ever. He rolls around on the floor, doesn't really know what's going on, and even breaks what he calls his beer horn (it's a cup in the shape of a horn). I take him upstairs to calm down because I was terrified of what he was going to do. He refused to calm down downstairs and being around his friends was making everything worse. I take him upstairs and close the door. We sit on the floor in the dark (the light hurt his eyes) and I talked with him. I told him how worried he was making me and how he was scaring me. He seemed to respond well...or so I thought. I was holding his hands and was talking to him and he got frustrated. He pushed me onto the floor and pinned my hands. He started to talk inches from my face. He was talking about some Norse god but I don't remember much of what was said. All I remember is being terrified and the sting in my wrist. Then he said "fuck it." He tried to take off my pants. When I told him I didn't want to do anything that night, he asked why and I said "because you're drunk." He then tried again and refused to listen to me. He told me to relax. I kicked him in the chest and got him off of me. I ran downstairs grabbed my purse and ran out onto the front lawn and then collapsed. I started crying and couldn't breath. Two of his friends S and M came out. When I told them what happened they were sympathetic. S stayed with me while I calmed down and M went to grab the rest of my stuff. He came out a little bit later and told me and S that D had no idea what was going on. He just said we were having a good time and then I kicked him.
I then tried to drive home, but realized I could not be alone. I called up my best friend T and went to his house. I told him what happened and he told me to sleepover so I didn't have to be alone. He had a friend over that night let's call him P, and we were both going to sleep in the living room (P on the floor and me on a big comfy beanbag chair). I took a couple shots of crown and then laid down to go to sleep. P and I were talking as we laid there, and he was rubbing my back, just to comfort me...or so I thought. I fell asleep and was waken slightly by P saying something about me sleeping on the floor with him, and he pulled me onto the floor. That's when I froze. Everything was frozen. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak. I tried opening my eyes and they refused. P started saying my name and I couldn't respond. I'm not sure what order this all happened in but I do know that he mounted me, dry humped me, kissed me, lifted up my shirt and felt me up, and pulled me on top of him and humped me again. I'm not sure how long it lasted, it felt like hours but I'm not even sure how it ended. The next thing I know is I wake up to his voice and one of the roommates talking. P said "can I take a nap in your room, I didn't get much sleep last night." No he did not.
Since then, I have had flashbacks and panic attacks. I went to counseling for awhile but then I found out my counselor was releasing information about me to one of my friends not knowing we were friends. I then joined a nonprofit organization and have been doing a lot better until now. It is almost the one year anniversary since the first two attacks. However, the name of this post "It always comes in 3s" is not a type-o. It wasn't just two attacks this year. There was a third. Remember M?
M and I both use to work together. We went to a festival together with some friends and were all staying in the same hotel with two rooms for us. We went to a club and all got drunk. M and I were hanging out at the club. All night he was telling me he loved me and was holding me close. I didn't think anything of this since we are really close friends. I told him everything. That night he got so drunk it was crazy. We walked back to the hotel and I set up a bed for him on the floor by the bathroom, for obvious reasons, and I decided to sleep by him just in case. While I was asleep, things turned bad. He put his arm around me and long story short, he removed my clothes, kissed me, fingered me, tried to get me to give him a hand job, took off his pants, and kept saying he loved me. Once again I was frozen. I couldn't believe what was happening. Couldn't believe it was happening from him. Earlier that night I considered leaving my boyfriend for him. He was so nice, was always there for me (he was there the night of my first attack), he helped me through so many tough times. and now he was the cause of one.
Three attacks one year full of hell. More happened then just this (mom and stepdad got a divorce , grandparents went to the hospital, cars broke down, etc etc), but I am a survivor. Life has thrown me through the shiter, but I made it. I did not drop out of school and I did not give up even when it seemed like the only choice. I now am using my experience to help others going through similar events. I hope that one day this will no longer be something people have to go through (yes I know that dream is unrealistic but I can hope right?). If I can make even the slightest difference, even to one person, then I don't want to say it was worth it but it's as close as it can get.
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